Can I be completely honest and transparent with you? Ministry can be scary.

I love ministry! I do! I love it! I can not imagine doing anything else! It is a very special calling and a tremendous blessing. I feel so honored that God has allowed me to serve in His Kingdom’s work with my husband for over 45 years.

I have always had a heart to serve God since I was a little girl, and have loved every opportunity that He has given. But with each opportunity comes a HUGE responsibility. And that, in itself, can be scary. I do not take the responsibility of ministry lightly.

Besides the huge responsibility, as if that were not enough, ministry exposes! It exposes your flaws, your weaknesses, and it reveals your vulnerabilities. It displays the “you have been weighted and you have been measured and you have been found wanting“. Ekkk! Again… very scary!

Faith is the foundation desperately needed when it comes to serving effectively in ministry, yet ministry can scream in your ear, “Oh, you of little faith!” The unknown future is always staring at you, lurking somewhere in the shadows, waiting for the perfect path to get there. There are always hidden mysteries that remain unsolved and unlocked, like an escape room with hundreds of locks but not enough keys. A variety of ideas and opinions are always waving “hello” to you across the open field, waiting for their separation of wheat from the weeds. Decisions are always rushing over your head while you’re trying to tread the deep waters of endless ocean waves without opening your mouth at the wrong time and getting choked on a flood of salt water. (cough, cough!) 

Not to mention discerning the gentle, soft voice of God versus your own loud, annoying, obnoxious, irritating, discouraging, and distracting voice that needs some serious decoding as to which one is which. Blah! It really shouldn’t be so hard to distinguish between. I mean, seriously!

Ministry can be like juggling eggs… with no shells… while drinking a large hot cup of French Vanilla Latte with low-fat whipped cream and extra caramel drizzle (just to be specific), and playing hopscotch in the kitchen of hope and confidence… all without dropping a single drop of deliciousness in front of the hungry masses looking to you for the Waffle House “All Star Big Breakfast.” (with extra syrup, of course!)

The bottom line? 

Ministry is scary! There! I said it! 

My current time of transition, this season of “new” that I am experiencing right now, is just a little (okay, a lot!) scary! It is unknown and different, and it is way outside my comfort zone. It was never my plan, my goal, my ambition, my “Hey God, come with me. Let’s take this out for a ride and see where it goes!” Nope! That never entered my mind.

Just facing my own Fear Factor of standing in front of a group of real-life, full-grown adults teaching Bible study began about 20 years ago. That was my big “faith-fall”. My “total surrender” moment. My “jump-off-the-cliff” moment with God! I’ve always said that when it came to speaking in front of a group, two people were one too many.

Stepping out from behind the back-stage curtain to an “out-front” position requires a huge amount of faith for a shy introvert like me. It’s like jumping off a cliff! If you are shy, like me, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. It is a big deal!

So, when God pushed me (trust me, I’m not exaggerating!) out from behind the curtain (or off the cliff to my death, either way…), the first thing I did (besides digging both heels hopelessly into the ground, leaving deep indentations and clawing every fingernail into anything and everything nearby for dear life) was to give God lots and lots of very logical, practical, and perfectly reasonable excuses. Each and every one was true! Each and every one made perfect sense!

They were reasonable excuses, just like the ones Moses gave to God! But, for whatever reason, He didn’t buy them!

Then I tried to run far, far away, just like Jonah! But then somebody puked!

Then I wrestled with God, only to walk away with a limp, that just keeps on limping, just like Jacob!

Then I cried, screamed, and pleaded with him, just like… well, me. (Yeah, that one was all on me… not sure who in the Bible cried more than I did).

Finally, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and took the big leap, the free-fall, the over-the-edge jump off the cliff of no return. It wasn’t easy! It was scary! It would be the death of me, I was sure.

Warm bodies, breathing and staring at me, waiting for some kind of intelligent Biblical wisdom. Eyes and ears focused on every word being said and on every move that was being made. Mouths that were much more eloquent and capable, waiting to express deep insight from God’s Word in place of my feeble words.

But, for whatever reason, God called me. He asked me to give Him my little humble sack lunch in the plain brown paper bag. It wasn’t much. Just a couple of tiny little stinky sardines and a few stale, cracked, broken crackers. And so I did… I gave what little I had to Him.

And so… there I was, on full display for all to see. My greatest fears, weaknesses, foolishness… it was all fully showcased with knees knocking to the drumbeat of “Wipeout”. To my heart racing full speed, passing Richard Petty on the Audubon, just waiting to explode like a rocket. To the lump in my throat that made me think my vitamins were stuck going down, again. That should have been enough for God, right? I was obedient. I did it. I had given my all to Him. What more could I give? There was nothing I hadn’t surrendered… or so I thought.

THEN GOD…

It’s almost like He came to me about a year ago and said, “Are you finally getting comfortable dangling off the edge of that cliff? Do you feel like you have a pretty decent grip on that rope now?”

And I said, “Yes, Lord! I think I finally have a decent hold on the rope now. I’m finally hanging in there. It’s all good. I might even say that I enjoy hanging out here now! The view is great!”

And then He replied, “Good. Now, let go of the rope!”

WAIT… WHAT????

Launching a speaking ministry, writing a book, becoming a published author, all those things were never on my radar. No burning desire. No big dream. Definitely not to the bashful 20-year-old me, or to the 30-something me, or the 40-something me, or the… well, you get the point. No need to go down that exhausting decade trail. The ministry “thing” and the book “thing” were not even in my mind’s eye as of a couple of years ago… just saying. I promise… It shocked me as much as it did you!

I like comfy, I like small, I like simple, I like cozy. I like playing the assistant, the supporting role. That’s what introverts like me, well… like. If you are one, then you completely get it! You understand. (Thank you for the head nods out there. I see you! I can hear your “Amens” loud and clear!)

So, for those of you who do actually get it, you can understand and identify with the swirly, whirly thoughts that are in my head, dancing around like a strobe light gone bad, ricocheting like a blinding flash of lightning that is gaining speed with each chaotic round inside my head.

It’s like…

You want me to “What?”
But, I thought I had pushed my limits!
Are you absolutely sure about this?
Have you even thought about how you will explain when I completely flub it up?

Then on top of the spinning-out-of-control thoughts and questions, are added the craziness of the people around me. I look and wonder, “Why in the world are y’all being so nice? You people out there in the audience… Why are y’all being so supportive? Why are y’all in agreement with what God is doing? Surely…there are a few of you who are level-headed enough to be asking the same reasonable and logical questions that I am asking. Why me?”

Why is there no one out there speaking common sense to me like, “Cheryl, do you really think this is a good idea? Remember, you are shy, no one knows you, you don’t like the spotlight, you didn’t even finish college for goodness sake. What in the world do you think you’re doing?”

I know, right?? I would totally agree with you.

But instead, no one is saying those things. Not even those whom I consider fully sane and in their right mind, those who are highly intelligent. Those who know me well. Those who have seen my hands shake & heard the nervous laugh, those who have witnessed my twisting words into hopeless dead-end knots, use the painfully obvious WRONG word, completely butcher the English language, mispronounce words & giggle my way through it, fall off the stage, turning over the pulpit onto the communion table and breaking the offering plates (yes, I really did).

So why, I ask, is everyone siding with God to encourage me down this scary and rocky terrain? Is there no one out there who is worried about me? Is there no one concerned about my weaknesses? Do y’all not even care about all my fears?

(Whew! I finally got it off my chest!)

But now… Therefore, (sounds a little Biblical, don’t you think?) with all that being said, my first thought to all this “new” that God has created, is not “WOW! This is EXCITING! This is INCREDIBLE!” Nope. That’s not what I’m thinking at all. The introvert inside me is saying, “What is happening?” “What is God thinking?”

And then next I’m thinking, “Thank you, dear, sweet friends for being so kind and considerate. Thank you for the polite, sweet, fruit-of-the-spirit Christian-based encouragement”. (Y’all been listening in church! Way to go!)

Thank you for the many kind and gentle smiles. The smiles that surely drift into a sentiment of “That poor thing” and later fade into soft-spoken, under-the-breath words like… “Bless her heart” (if you know you know). These are the Arkansas down-to-earth, wonderful country-type, hospitality kind-of-words that the south is known. Sweet, kind, gracious. And I am truly, truly grateful!!! I truly am! It has been a huge encouragement to me! Honestly! I may have already pulled a blanket over my head and headed to the hills had it not been for everyone’s love and support.

In reality, I am just a little overwhelmed and struggling to figure out how to take in all the beautiful love and support that has been poured out on me. I honestly deserve none of it.

But…… (Here’s the Big But!) but, the God-in-me “me”, is feeling God’s strength. The forever-Redeemed child-of-God who is indwelt by the Holy Spirit “me”, is trying hard to follow and obey and let God do His “thing“. Whatever that “thing” looks like. Not what I think it should look like or what I want it to look like.

Can I just say – He is so much better at “me”, than me. I would have run and hid in a cave years ago if he had told me way back “then” what I would be doing “now”. Just being honest with you! But He didn’t. Thank goodness. He knew that I was a runner! And most likely, I would have either gotten lost running and looking for a cave in which to hide (for those that don’t know, I am severely directionally challenged and get lost almost daily), or that I would have run into a big ol’ grizzly bear in the cave who just woke up from hibernation and not happy about having company, but possibly very happy about having lunch provided! That’s really NOT the way I want to go!!

I am just like many of you. Unsure of the next step. Unsure of the future. Unsure how this thing will all work out. I am just trying to be faithful and keep my eyes on God. Just trying to figure out what God is speaking to me and teaching me without insisting that He explain all the details.

I have come a long way in my faith journey, but with God’s grace and strength, I can go even further with Him. But, only if He goes with me! I need Him with me every step of the way! Not for my glory! But only for His glory! That is my deepest desire, to bring glory to Him. To bring honor to Him. If anything good comes from me, you can be sure that it is ALL God! I know me well enough to know, it’s not me!! It’s all Him and Him alone.

I am so very thankful that God knows me better than I know myself. God plus me is perfect! Because He is the perfection. No matter what happens. That is something that I can rest on.

So, the imperfect that you see before you… is the REAL ME. The mess that you see… is the REAL ME. The scared that you see… is the REAL ME. Any good, however, that you see is God. I give Him all the credit! I mean, this “thing” was all His idea in the first place, not mine!

So, for now, I choose to trust that He knows something that I don’t know. I’m letting him lead. I am just along for the beautiful and wild ride with Jesus at the wheel, my head hanging out the window like the commercial of the little piglet, yelling “weeeee”, waving my little flag of surrender. Not worried about what road we are on or how we are getting there. (I wouldn’t know how to get there anyway) I’m just trying to enjoy the journey and the amazing view with Jesus!

I am still the quiet, shy, bashful, scared, unsure little girl. The only difference between me now and the 40-year-old me, or the 20-year-old me, or the 9-year-old me, is that I am fully surrendered to God. Like Moses, I finally realized and accepted the fact that God is not giving up on me. He has placed a beautiful calling on my life. What that calling ends up looking like is completely up to Him. That’s His call!

God reminds me often of my prayer as a 9-year-old little girl when I gave my life to Jesus. I prayed that God would use me! I still pray that today. God use me! God has fulfilled that prayer over and over, time after time, again and again. That is what AMAZES me! 

I am so very thankful that He has used me in a small way in the grand scheme of things, but it is a huge way to me.

I am so very grateful that He has guided my steps toward Him when I was headed toward easy, or toward comfortable… or headed toward the bear-infested cave. I am so overwhelmed that He has unconditionally loved me. That He has never grown weary of my doubts. That He has never accepted any of my lame (but reasonable) excuses. That He has never given up on my potential. And that He has never changed His plan for me.

Scared or not, it doesn’t matter to God. His glory, power, and strength can actually work best in weakness. So, if He is looking for weakness, then I’m your girl! He is the “One” who is actually doing the heavy lifting anyway. So why should I be so surprised when something good comes from my simple act of obedience? 

He is the “WOW” in me!!! He is the “INCREDIBLE” in me!!! He is the “EXCITING” in me!!!

So, WARNING!!!

I may still panic. I may still freeze. I definitely may fall off the stage… again! (Bah! I just know it’s coming!)

I may even have a weak moment and tell you that it is not too late to pretend that you don’t know me. I would understand. You can just “slowly back away… and no one will get hurt.”

I just need to get out of my way and let Him “take this ‘thing’ out for a ride and see where it goes!” It’s His vehicle. He’s driving. (Thank goodness!) So hang on tight folks… it could get a little wild, crazy, scary, and definitely a little bumpy!!! So hang your head out the window with me and let’s say it together… “Weeeeeee!”

And so… here we go!

Oh…Hey y’all! Look… I’m in the Bible!

1 Corinthians 1:27-29 (NIV): “But God chose the foolish things (“hello”?) of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things (“hello?” again!) of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things (“hello?” thrice!) of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him”.